Some funny stuff.

"Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the glass is
clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean
glass?"





"Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two
drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their
briefcases and started to eat. The waiter became quite
concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't
eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked
at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then
exchanged sandwiches."





"A traveler became lost in the Sahara desert.
Realizing his only chance for survival was to find
civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he
became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling
faint. He was on the verge of passing out when he
spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely
conscious, he reached the tent and called out,
"Water...".

A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied
sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no
water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With
this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken
neckwear.

"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need
water, there is a tent about two kilometers south of
here where you can get some."

Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient
strength to drag his parched body the distance to the
second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged
at the door of the tent and collapsed.

Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared
at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you
can't come in here without a tie!"






"Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food but no atmosphere."






"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin
bread.

Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!
Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be
wading.

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.

Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?

Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off."





"A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the
zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials
put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning,
just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was
put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet
high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the
kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless
somebody locks the gate at night!"





"An unemployed guy got a new job at the zoo. They
offered him to dress up in a gorilla's skin and
pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to
the zoo.

On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin
and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see
him. He starts really putting on a show, jumping
around, beating his chest and roaring.

During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his
balance and crashes through some safety netting,
landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he
lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and
starts screaming, "Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his
chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll both lose our
jobs!"





"One day the zookeeper noticed that the orang-utang
was reading two books -- the Bible and Darwin's Origin
of Species. In surprise he asked the ape, "Why are you
reading both those books"?

"Well," said the orang-utang, "I just wanted to know
if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."





"A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders
a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and
shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go,
the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You
just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your
sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a
PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the
following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling
marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct
black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Danny and his friends were playing in the park, when a big lad
came up to them and asked "Which one of you is Paddy O'Shea?!"
"I am" said Danny, so the big lad knocked him down.
Danny got up smiling, so the big lad knocked him down again.
Danny got up again and burst out laughing
"What do you think is so funny!" roared the big lad.
"The joke's on you" laughed Danny "I'm not Paddy O'Shea at all!

"Waiter, waiter, there's a fly in my soup."
"Yes sir, it threw itself in after all these awful jokes."

hehe i have another one :mosco bosco and cozmo lol if you dont get it your THICK

ConflictCloud:Here's one I got from a book called God's Politics. It requires some basic knowledge of American politics.

Two US Senators, a Democrat and a Republican, were having lunch in a bar.
Eventually the conversation came around to religion.

Republican: "You Democrats know nothing about religion."

Democrat: "We do to!"

Republican: "That's rubbish. I'll bet you 5 bucks you can't even recite the Lord's Prayer!"

Democrat: "Fine. 'Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep...'"

Republican: "Dang! I didn't think you could do it!"

half-elven:One night Sherlock Holmes and Watson decide to go camping. When they arive they setup camp and watch the stars for awile and soon go into their tent for a nights sleep. In the middle of the night sherlock wakes up watson and asks " watson what do you deduce of these stars". and watson replies "well sir i deduce that there are millions of galaxys with millons of stars. Around those stars there might be planets and there is the possibility of life on each planet." And then serlock says " No watson you dope, someone has stolen our tent".